De-Winterize yourself Fast

Problem: Oh crap! I am required to be at an indoor water park in two hours and my body hasn’t been seen by the public since September! Best solution: OK, yes, this is crappy but since you participate in life and want to go to this water park.

Here are the steps: 1. Paint your toenails red. By doing this you indicate to others “Hey, I take care of myself even in the winter months. See, look at my toes.” Red always looks flashy and glamorous. It doesn’t matter how pale you are, red will look good with winter skin and people will think that you are classy. It also might draw attention away from your thighs. I would tell you to paint your nails red too but that can be tricky and I bite my nails anyway.

2. Shave everything carefully and thouroughly: Ok so you haven’t picked up a razor in 6 months. You have every right to let your legs knit their own legwarmers throughout the winter but now you need to shave so don’t do a crappy job. People will notice. Take your time and do one section of your legs at a time and watch what you are doing. This may take some time. Yes, you also need to shave your underarms AND check that bikini line. I am serious. You don’t want to see what you have forgotten when you are standing under fluorescent lights knee-deep in the lazy river.

3. Trial Run. Try on your suit and check for strays.

4. Lotion! If you are as lazy as I am than you have ignored your skin and it has become a bit scaly. After you shave use a good lotion-probably one that is not perfumed. You might have to apply lotion more than once. By doing this at least your skin will not flake off on others while you wait in line for the inner tubes.

5. Water-proof mascara and eyeliner: You don’t have to do this I would. Other make-up will wash off and your real skin is going to show so you might as well play up the things that won’t wash off- your eyes. Also, if you are active you should have rosy cheeks. Yay.

6. Have fun and smile; don’t pull at your swimsuit and don’t talk about all the grooming you had to do. Try not to engage in “I am so fat” talk because no one wants to hear it and they might feel the need to reassure you about how you look. Be comfortable and not awkward. I can always spot the woman who is uncomfortable with her clothing/swimsuit decisions by the way she acts. If she is pulling, adjusting it indicates to me that she made and mistake and yes, I do judge.

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